I'm spending alot of time wondering about ways to get out of my own head. As I mentioned in an earlier posting, exercise helps, but it doesn't help as much as I want it to. In fact, nothing yet has worked on my brain.

Thinking positively when you are not feeling anywhere near positive seems like broken thinking. If I think positively, if I repress and push down the feelings of unease, aren't I just suppressing a real inside feeling that is telling me something? I mean, negative feelings don't go away. I am still consumed by paranoia, painful feelings of hopelessness even through my energetically acting "as if" nothing is wrong and I am totally carefree. I am not. I am depressed. Probably clinically since it's been, OH, 10 fucking years at least. Maybe 20.

I want SO BADLY to be different than I am. That in itself is the problem and one that simply cannot be "acting as if'fed" away. Every once in a while I come across a journal entry from the last 12 years, since I moved to CT. Every single time I come across one, it's like I composed it today, right now. Same thoughts. Same anxieties. Same hopelessness. Same awful desperation. And I think, gee, that's kind of pathetic and dramatic, Lizzy, yet I feel those things. I really do.

SO I am wondering about this EMDR business. What is it, and can it REALLY help me?  I wonder also about EST. I think I'd be a great candidate for it. Even if I lose some brain sharpness, it can't be any WORSE than the daily fight I have going on inside this body of mine.