So I spent alot of today trying not to obsess about my seeming inability to stop obsessing. I am filled with jealousy over my ex and his new squeeze. Why does it seem that EVERYBODY in my life who I dated has moved on, to perhaps bigger and better things while I am alone and suffering this feeling of intense embarrassment and extreme self consciousness that I've suddenly honed into an art. All since he started dating his new girl, who is thinner than me and has this great attitude- or seems to. I don't, I am jealous and bitter. Nice. No one like a jealous and bitter girl. I am working on that. That's why I spent the better part of the day exercising my butt off to not think about them being together. And my last ex, who is dating someone too. In fact, he spent his vacation with her on the Cape. That he never took me to.

I feel like a lump of inadequacy lately and I am trying to remember what it is that makes me awesome. When all I can call up is negative self-critical thought.  Is it possible, - is it REALLY POSSIBLE to change myself so much that I change myself from an anxious, depressed person to a positive loving life version of me, by acting as if?  Problem is, I can't manage that. I can't manage positive thinking for more than about 5 seconds. Then the negative thought comes right back.  I WANT to be that positive person people think that I am. Instead, I am sad. And it's a strong sad. A beast of sad. I DO feel like I've lost in life. I DO feel overwhelmed being alone. I DO feel that I've passed by some perhaps LIFE-CHANGING opportunities. Do other people feel tortured by these thoughts too?

What do I do?  I volunteer. I see how those who have it tougher than I do live. And guess what? I still feel like shit.

Now what. I am tired. I am mojoless.