I'm spending alot of time wondering about ways to get out of my own head. As I mentioned in an earlier posting, exercise helps, but it doesn't help as much as I want it to. In fact, nothing yet has worked on my brain.

Thinking positively when you are not feeling anywhere near positive seems like broken thinking. If I think positively, if I repress and push down the feelings of unease, aren't I just suppressing a real inside feeling that is telling me something? I mean, negative feelings don't go away. I am still consumed by paranoia, painful feelings of hopelessness even through my energetically acting "as if" nothing is wrong and I am totally carefree. I am not. I am depressed. Probably clinically since it's been, OH, 10 fucking years at least. Maybe 20.

I want SO BADLY to be different than I am. That in itself is the problem and one that simply cannot be "acting as if'fed" away. Every once in a while I come across a journal entry from the last 12 years, since I moved to CT. Every single time I come across one, it's like I composed it today, right now. Same thoughts. Same anxieties. Same hopelessness. Same awful desperation. And I think, gee, that's kind of pathetic and dramatic, Lizzy, yet I feel those things. I really do.

SO I am wondering about this EMDR business. What is it, and can it REALLY help me?  I wonder also about EST. I think I'd be a great candidate for it. Even if I lose some brain sharpness, it can't be any WORSE than the daily fight I have going on inside this body of mine.

This blog is designed for me to vent instead of fucking sticking a knife into myself. Which I have considered. Believe me.  But since I make everything difficult, I couldn't even successfully commit to the action of simply acting on my emotions. That would have ended it for once and for all. Instead, I think I'll suffer some more.

Do I own suffering or does suffering own me? Clearly, suffering has come to own me. It's been so long since I've enjoyed. So long since I've felt really loved. So long since I've felt really accepted. So long since I've felt great.

Everything these days seems to be one exhausting effort, sprinkled with disappointing endings, followed by yet another. That's how I've been rolling.

I've tried anti-depressants.  They must be fake. Because they do shit. Nothing.
I've tried exercise. It's ok, it's good, it staves off depression for the time I'm doing it, to a few hours afterwards.  Otherwise, nope.

I've tried to believe in Jesus and believe that Jesus will turn around my life and attitude and give me what I know I deserve in life, love, love love love. But don't have. So far, that's pretty hard to keep up, considering I am a nice, Jewish girl from CT. But I WANT to believe.

The only thing I can dream of is ending it.

So I spent alot of today trying not to obsess about my seeming inability to stop obsessing. I am filled with jealousy over my ex and his new squeeze. Why does it seem that EVERYBODY in my life who I dated has moved on, to perhaps bigger and better things while I am alone and suffering this feeling of intense embarrassment and extreme self consciousness that I've suddenly honed into an art. All since he started dating his new girl, who is thinner than me and has this great attitude- or seems to. I don't, I am jealous and bitter. Nice. No one like a jealous and bitter girl. I am working on that. That's why I spent the better part of the day exercising my butt off to not think about them being together. And my last ex, who is dating someone too. In fact, he spent his vacation with her on the Cape. That he never took me to.

I feel like a lump of inadequacy lately and I am trying to remember what it is that makes me awesome. When all I can call up is negative self-critical thought.  Is it possible, - is it REALLY POSSIBLE to change myself so much that I change myself from an anxious, depressed person to a positive loving life version of me, by acting as if?  Problem is, I can't manage that. I can't manage positive thinking for more than about 5 seconds. Then the negative thought comes right back.  I WANT to be that positive person people think that I am. Instead, I am sad. And it's a strong sad. A beast of sad. I DO feel like I've lost in life. I DO feel overwhelmed being alone. I DO feel that I've passed by some perhaps LIFE-CHANGING opportunities. Do other people feel tortured by these thoughts too?

What do I do?  I volunteer. I see how those who have it tougher than I do live. And guess what? I still feel like shit.

Now what. I am tired. I am mojoless.